A Trans Concerns Venting Session

So, it's been about 6 months since I came out as transgender, changed my name, pronouns, the whole shebang. And, while I'm pre everything medically and in the eyes of the law I haven't yet changed anything (my legal name is still my birth one etc), finally being honest with myself and the people around me has been great for my confidence and mental well-being. That said, there are some things that concern me regarding being trans in the world at large. Not necessarily anything immediately changeable but I'm in a mood to talk about them anyway, to raise awareness. And to vent. Venting is a big part of this.

First, an anecdote. On Tuesday I was at the George (a gay bar in Dublin that has been screening each episode of Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 7 on Tuesdays, as it airs) hanging out with fiends, watching the show and some drag performances, just having a night out. We kind of acquired a hanger on, a slightly older guy (he's 25, we're all late teens/early 20s) and while he'd kind of outstayed his welcome we didn't want to be mean. I found out late on in the night that he hadn't realised I was trans, that he'd perceived me as a young looking cis gay boy. He'd been coming on to me and to let him down easy I told him that I'm more into girls (I'll get back to this fact). He jokingly tells me I'm in the wrong bar. 

Okay, the guy was drunk and harmless but what he said struck a chord with me. It's definitely something I've given thought to and something I'm conflicted about. To clarify things, I am bisexual. I am attracted to my own gender (male) and other genders (female and people who don't identify along the gender binary). However, I spent a very, very long time suppressing and denying my attraction to women. I was assigned female at birth, belonged to a fairly conservative middle class family, went to catholic and/or all girls schools for a very long time. I spent nigh on seventeen years rejecting every inkling that I might be anything other than straight. And so, when I finally came out as bisexual I decided I was going to explore the side of me that I'd so long pretended did not exist. I'd also just gotten out of a year and a half relationship with a guy, I figured I'd give men a rest for a bit. 

So, for about a year I lived as a queer woman (I first came out in January, figured out trans stuff in November). In that time I got heavily involved in the Dublin LGBT community, going to youth groups and making some truly wonderful friends. I'd found "my people". It was so strange to me to be in the presence of so many people who "got it". Feminism, queer issues, mental health things, people understood the struggles and could relate. This also happened to be the year I properly educated myself on feminism as well. Not in-depth necessarily, I've still to read many of the great feminist essays, but I began seeing the world from a feminist perspective. I started properly taking notice of the social rules and restrictions placed on people seen as female by society. 

And, while I was and continue to be bisexual, my relationship towards men as romantic partners changed. I was no longer comfortable with the typically accepted girl/boy dynamic as dictated by society at large (I do realise that some of this may be down to my not actually being a girl, but I'll make my point anyway). I couldn't imagine sitting back and expecting other people to make the first move, or having to be modest to comply with socially accepted norms. While those aren't things that women should have to do at all, regardless of orientation, I realised that much of this would be the expectation for cisgender heterosexual men. Whether they know it or not (and a great many of them do not, by virtue of never having to think about it) cishet men are fed these images of what a heterosexual relationship should look like. And every relationship has this underlying tension of how well it complies to the quote unquote "standard". I'm not saying every cisgender heterosexual man is in favour of this but under a patriarchal mainframe which establishes them as the indisputably dominant party every relationship that falls short of that is going to be a bit of a disappointment, if even on a subconscious level. It's like the "average man" you see in sitcoms and advertisements who's shown as quote unquote "emasculated" by his wife of girlfriend, despite her requests and desires being generally reasonable. Those images are far from real life but they send a message and a great deal of men feel their impact.

And so, as I settled into my little queer bubble, I became more and more aware of not wanting to leave. Of not wanting to have that concern of "am I going out of my way to make this relationship fit what we've been taught to expect" if I were to end up in another heterosexual relationship. Queer relationship politics, while not free of expectations (the butch/femme dynamic is a real pain in the ass, excusing the pun) in queer relationships it's generally easier to break with heterosexual or past queer community traditions. I found myself in a somewhat privileged position where I could choose to stay in the queer bubble and cast away the possibility of having any future relationships tainted by heterosexual male privilege and the expectations that accompany it.

And then I figured out I was trans. 

Ima make a maybe slightly controversial claim. Realising you are trans is like a Garden of Eden moment; you bite that bloody apple and you know things and you cannot unknow them no matter how much easier that would make things for you. You figure it out and it's like putting the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle you've been unwittingly working on your whole life, you suddenly know what the picture is and you can't pretend that you don't anymore.

You now have the burden of knowing,
learn to lift brah

And it kind of sucks. I feel like I'd had it easy up to that point being bi because there was no huge moment of "you are not attracted to men and you can't change that ever" that may have come with being a lesbian. This was a moment of "Oh shit son, your life is going to be complicated and hard and the most choice you have now is between Continue to lie to everyone and feel like shit forever or Come out and deal with that forever." Biphobia is a real thing and it's shit to have your sexuality constantly dismissed as not real, a phase, or attention seeking but there is an element of "straight passing" and choice that monosexual people (people who are only attracted to one gender eg. gay men, lesbians, straight people) simply don't have. I'd been, frankly, a little spoilt by the choice fate had afforded me and it has come back around to bitch slap me for it. 

But it is incredibly unlikely that I'll ever date a heterosexual man again, so that's something.

We're finally getting to the original point of this rant. I'm in a strange position. I'm stuck in between. Because I now find myself in the position of a bisexual man who has an aversion to dating men for privilege reasons, a privilege that I will likely enjoy someday later in my transition. I don't currently pass well enough (on a consistent basis) to fully have male privilege. However, when I'm on testosterone and my voice breaks and I eventually inevitably try to grow a beard, it'll probably apply. And that's both exhilarating and terrifying to think about. 

Because I'm already cracking down on myself mentally for abusing my privilege, even just doing things I'd have done before I bit the trans revelation apple. Like, my mum was cooking an omelette and she was about to add hot bacon to the egg mix in the bowl instead of pouring the egg mix over the bacon in the pan (putting the hot bacon in the bowl of beaten egg would start to cook the egg around it, compromising the structural integrity of the whole omelette when then poured into the pan, because some bits would be more cooked than others) and I tried to explain this to her and the thought occurred to me "Are you mansplaining?" (For the record, I maintain that she was doing it wrong and I was within reason to explain why) But it was weird because my doing the very same thing before transitioning is just me being my pedantic, annoying self but now it's coming from a place of privilege and I can't change that. 

I get that I'm over-thinking a lot of this but the fact remains: if I start properly passing, making my life easier and lessening my gender dysphoria greatly, I start being perceived as a mostly heterosexual man, will all the bells and tassels attached (figuratively, actual bells and tassels are expensive as fuck). My mindset regarding cisgender men, while now extending to gay men as opposed to straight, is still an inhibitor because to my mind there is still a privilege and perspective gap. 

And as far as dating is concerned, I have some interesting options. I try my luck with straight girls, try to pass, fake familiarity with privilege I've only recently acquired, make friends with straight guys who have no idea how good they have it and hide my trans history at the risk of not being accepted

 OR 

become that dude at the gay bar trying to pick up girls, hang out with the people I probably relate to most right now: queer women and trans people but be acutely aware of the fact that the community will have changed for me. You're in the wrong bar. 

Fun fact: When looking for gifs and pictures for this blog
I generally search "X action gif" look through
 the results, then search "David Tennant X action gif".
What can I say? The man has a great face 

But there are no bars for people in my situation, not really. This is a big question for the trans community: "Does the T really belong in LGBT?" I might write a full piece on m feelings on the subject at some point, of which I have many, but I'll say this for the moment; In an ideal world, trans people would be equally accepted in the queer community to lesbian, gay and bisexual cis people but that is far from the case. Many of us get involved in the queer community under the assumption that we are queer cis people, as I once believed, being trans isn't so common that people jump there when they're having identity qualms. (Disclaimer: many trans people are gay, meaning that they'd have been seen as "straight" before coming out as trans. I'm not sure of the numbers exactly but many trans people I know are sexually fluid because they see the arbitrary nature of gender. But attractions are still attractions, can't change em yo) The way the vast majority of us figure out our identities is through the queer community, we find our people, only to be left feeling like we're out of place if we begin passing as our real genders. I feel like there is definite value in trans people continuing to be a part of the LGBT community but mindsets in the community need to change big time. 

So basically I'm in a weird place. I don't pass well when I'm speaking (which I do a lot and loudly) but my end goal is to do just that. I'm still figuring out how I feel about that. There is no doubt in my mind that I am male, which makes all of this that bit more confusing and scary. None of my transition has involved permanent changes yet but simply knowing feels like the most permanent thing imaginable. I realise that this is the case for absolutely everyone but having to deal with "This is who I am. This is my life and I can't change it" is terrifying. 

I am not ashamed of who I am. But the night is dark and full of terrors, so many of which exist exclusively in my own mind.  

I don't know if this has been interesting, enlightening, boring for the probable heterosexual cisgender majority of you reading this. Well done for getting to the end. Have a cookie.

Embrace the Madness (even when the future is uncertain and you're scared) 

(Also, I realise I've done three posts in a row on queer issues, with the referendum coming up it's kind of been on m mind a lot. I'll hopefully be doing a film review or something more lighthearted soonish)