Internet, it's time we had a little chat about the "Friend Zone"

Hi internet! So, yeah, finished my exams. My fate is in the hands of... well, fate... now. Probably could have worded that better. Anyway, I'M BACK!

I also may have started watching Buffy. Little behind on the times, me

So while I was busy on study related hiatus, a thing happened in Santa Barbara. You may have heard about it, it involved guns and misogyny and the son of Peter Rodger (the assistant director of the Hunger Games films) making this whole big super villain vendetta speech and going off on a killing spree. It was very sad and awful and it was all over the internet (god, get with the times) Now, there have been many, many people giving their two cents on why he did it, whether or not he was insane, talking about privilege and Reddit MRAs (whoooole other topic there, eesh) and all that stuff. And, because I've never been one to stop flogging a horse despite it's apparent deceased nature (that was a horrible metaphor, god Rachel, what is wrong with you) I thought I'd throw my two cents into to mound of cents. They're shiny and deserve to be with their own kind, for surely they will be accepted as wonderful additions to cent society.

Apparently the internet is a teensy bit obsessed with this thing called "The Friend Zone". Here, I'll try and dig some stuff up on it:

Basically this. This is the internet in a nutshell

Now, there are a number of theories surrounding the origin of the "Friendzone" concept. Simply put, it's a more whiny, entitled version of good old fashioned unrequited love (that, or people got tired of trying to spell "unrequited"). You like them, they do not like you, or see you as a potential romantic partner. End of.

On the post Elliot Rodger internet, however, there was a certain school of thought circulating along the lines of "Oh shit, ladies, better stop with this whole friendzone shit, people be getting killed". I am not gonna be talking about that specifically but here's an awesome video that does. You're welcome.

That was a very round about way of getting to what I do plan on talking about and that is some of the major flaws in the "friendzone" mythology. Sometimes from the standpoint of a "friendzoner" (I have been called this. Quite possibly more than once) and of the "friendzoned". I'm probably gonna stop with the inverted commas but you get the idea, it's a social construct, usually based in male (or otherwise but often male) entitlement mixed with messages in films and TV. Yadda yadda yadda. 

One particularly harmful myth is that the "friendzoner" is either totally oblivious or some kind of heartless monster, leading you on only to throw you from a height to your inevitable demise.

This one is circulated so goddamn much, it's a little infuriating. Can we make some sort of agreement to NOT constantly insult the intelligence of every human being on the planet? Can we do that? I get that people can be stupid, I really do, but seriously guys, unless you know for sure can you act like other humans have some kind of thought process going on? Please? Benefit of the doubt anyone?

I'm getting off topic. Let me paint you a word picture:

You are a fairly intelligent human being. You're single and there's someone showing interest in you. You, being a little tad awful at judging social situations (a reasonable assumption considering the internet's population) do not know if they are simply trying to get closer to you as a friend or if they're establishing foundations for relationshiptown. Honestly, the two are very, very similar. Especially if they are also single (if not, assume they're on friendship road until they try to jam their tongue down your throat, in which case rethink things).  

Brief (kinda) sidenote: I'm gonna try and keep this fairly gender neutral but considering that my experience is confined to that of a teenage girl and there are, unfortunately, some "side effects of patriarchy" double standards when it comes to popular dating conventions, it might be tricky. In our lopsided society, girls tend to be viewed as the hypothetical prey where guys are the hypothetical predators. We've gotten to a stage where, on a personal level we recognise that these norms are stupid and benefit no one but on a societal level thems is still the rules. This is, in part, why the whole player/slut false dichotomy exists: If you're a lion and you get the zebra, you're good at being a lion; You're a zebra and you go to the lion, you're kind of a stupid zebra. To reinstate, this is a FALSE dichotomy, it's based in ignorance and sexism and general not good-ness. 

But that's society. We're working on it. (That should totally be on a mug or something) 

Anywho, there's this person getting friendly and you're like "Ok, this person is cool but I don't like them like that" and you almost feel bad for thinking that because you're not obsessed with finding "potential mates" or anything, it's just kinda there in the back of your mind. And you leave it at that. 

Or you try to, anyway. You keep getting these vibes that this person is interested in that way but you have no way of telling. The way you see it, you have three options:

1. Confront them, ask if they like you and shoot them down if they do. Risk looking either paranoid or like a douche/bitch. Not good future friendship prospects any way this turns out.  

2. Start acting weird and distant, hoping they'll get the hint. This is also not great for future friendship prospects but is slightly better than option 1.

3. Act totally oblivious to anything that could be considered flirty in the hope that they'll get the hint and move on. You will generally only lose the friend if they confess their love, in which case see option 1. 

Being the awkward, awkward people this generation tends to be, most people go with option three. It's really the only way to spare their feelings and cover your own ass if you're wrong, other than, you know, actual communication. Which I think we can all agree, we suck at. Just a smidge. 

If you're on the other end of it and you are actually trying to found relationshiptown, you are in the hypothetical friendzone. It's not a great situation either way, there's a lot of second guessing on both sides and the friendship is going to be affected by it. What the friendzoned person hopes for is the super secret, you-need-5,000-points-to-unlock-this-level, FOURTH option:

4. The friendzoner has been single for a really long time, they've quite possibly been dumped or had no success in founding their own relationshiptown (possibly for similar reasons as the friendzonee) and decide to give their friendzoned pursuer a chance.

Option four is the option you generally see at the end of teen romances, where the girl/guy realises that what they wanted was "right there the entire time!". It's the "fall in love with girl/boy next door, get instantly married and never have any problems ever again" route and your friendzoned pursuer has no idea why you haven't chosen it yet because it's sooo perfect. 

Except, no, it isn't. I'm sorry to say this (mostly because I've been there) but there is something to be said for gut instinct and initial attraction. I don't personally believe in love at first sight (does anyone, really) but I DO believe in attraction (or lust) at first sight. I also believe it's relative. You meet someone you're initially attracted to at a party, talk to them for half an hour and find out they're dull as wet cheese? Probably not going to be as attracted to that person. Same goes for if they have, say, a really offensive sense of humour, or a really aggressive political standpoint, or a significant other (doesn't apply to everyone, I know, I'm cursed with loin enforced homewrecker proofed-ness (typod "lion enforced", that should be a thing, like, right now))

The same is true for the converse: If you don't find someone initially attractive but realise you are both the world's greatest Duck Tails fans, or that you both make artisan candles in your back gardens, or that you both feel pretty strongly about zebras being black with white stripes as opposed to vice versa; you are then more attracted to them. Chances are you are attracted to them now as a friend/candle-making-buddy. And, if they weren't unattractive physically, in an "I could take it or leave it" kinda way, you might decide that you want to pursue a relationship with this person. 

Herein comes the muddiness. Let us consult this totally professional, slanty-on-purpose-cos-I'm-artsy-and-not-at-all-lazy, graph:

I'm going all Josh Sunquist up in here

So, while you may be more attracted to this person, you aren't suddenly super into them. You still have some standards, is what I'm saying. They, on the other hand, may be like "OMG our babies will watch Jaws 3 every night, we're so perfect together why can't they see that?" And, getting back to my nearly forgotten original point, if you eventually choose option 4, you are compromising. Compromise happens, that's life, but if you look at what they've gotten, as the ex-friendzoned person, they've made no compromise whatsoever. They've gotten exactly what they've always wanted. No lesson is learned except "relentlessly hound what it is you want and eventually it will give in and sleep with you". Not the best of lessons. 

And honestly, you're starting off a relationship phenomenally badly if one person is, by definition, more invested than the other. That's a power imbalance that you never want, ever. And, going back to the compromise thing and how it's suspiciously in favour of the beleaguered ex-friendzonee, does it really seem like Hermione and Ron would have been a happy married couple? (Sidenote: I never got that, they never had anything in common save for circumstance and basic morals, and even then- sorry, not the time) Or Ron Stoppable and Kim Possible? Face it people, sometimes people are better off as friends, no matter how "easy" it would be to date them. 

Final perspective for a moment: A straight cisgendered woman might be best friends with, and somewhat physically attracted to, a gay man. HOWEVER, she is not about to start pressuring him into dating her because "they'd be so great together and they're practically already dating". Why? One party is not (or, in this case, will never be) attracted to the other. And trying to convince them otherwise is selfish and pointless. For fuck sake, move on.

This is the greatest gif I have ever found, omigosh

for the record, the same analogy applies to lesbians with guy best friends but for some reason male homosexuality is treated with more respect than female, I wonder *cough* patriarchy*cough cough* why?

Embrace the Madness